How is it that something so small can make such a significant difference in life? Money the root of all evil. It creates greed and gives power to those higher up. As a student who has just finished university and is waiting to begin a full time job – which I got, assistant manager btw! – I have nothing but an abused overdraft.
Right now I’m lucky if I can get a loaf of bread.. I know things will change once I begin full time work but until then I’m left feeling worthless, why? Because I don’t own bits of paper with value? That shouldn’t be the way.
I just hate the control it has over people.
I’ve never openly wrote/spoke about my eating disorder to anyone besides my therapist. I thought I was getting better but the voices are stronger than ever. I’ve put on so much weight in my attempt to recover and I’ve never been so uneasy or felt so low about myself.
I’m so fucking FAT and don’t I know it.
It’s hard to explain how you get to a point where your stud above a toilet bowl, fingers down your throat, tears streaming down your face as your force every last inch of food from your system only to continue to repeat this prices every single DAY. I never as a young girl assumed I could hate myself so fucking much, but I do and fuck it hurts. I hate every single inch of my body, EVERY FUCKING INCH.
I’m writing this now as I’m sat on the bathroom floor make up smeared all over my face after half hour over the toilet. I refused to eat until tea time and when I did I felt like an absolute failure. Nothing but a failure. There’s voices in my head continuously telling me I’m worthless and not wanted. What hurts the most is I believe them.. With so much going on in my family, so much hurt and heartache I can’t tell any of them how I’m feeling. They don’t need another worry to add to the list. Truth is right now I don’t want to be saved. I want to be thin.. I need to be thin.
Bulimia has truly ruined me as a person. I push everyone away when I need them most. I hate myself for it. I despise myself. Waking up with this monster in my head every day is slowly killing me. Until one day I just won’t wake up anymore…
I’m sorry if this post upsets or triggers anyone in anyway. This is my only release and it needed to be wrote.