Why do people insist that’s things will simply get better?! Bullshit. It’s NOT that easy. ‘Think positive’ oh thanks Margaret because I haven’t tried that one before! I’m cured! No STOP depression isn’t something that just gets better. Anxiety isn’t something that will just disappear with a little positive thinking. PTSD won’t just be okay tomorrow.. I’ve suffered with this for 4 years now.
I get people are trying to help but if you don’t understand don’t say idiotic things. How come someone with a physical illness/injury is taken seriously but someone with mental health just needs to ‘think positive’. I wish mental health didn’t have such a stigma surrounding it. I wish more people understood.
I’ve spent hours crying to myself but if I think positive all will be okay? NO, stop.. Please. It’s insulting. I just want someone who understands to speak to.. Someone who doesn’t just assume mental illness can be solved with just a smile. I just need a friend. I’m sorry I just feel unbelievably low.
Waking up and wishing you didn’t is a thought that crosses your mind every single DAY when suffering with depression. For 4 years I’ve been diagnosed with depression along side anxiety and PTSD. It all began when I was 17 years old, I was attacked. Took advantage of and scarred for life. I won’t go into detail much more about it as it is something even to this day I struggle to speak about. My therapist wants me to go through trauma therapy but I personally do not feel ready. If there’s one thing I have learnt over the years though is the past does NOT define you.
It’s 4am in the morning you wake up, alone. Nothing but you are your own sickening thoughts. Thoughts that make you wish you were dead. Flashbacks that make you shudder and cry uncontrollably. You are alone. This is how depression makes you feel almost all of the time, every hour of every day. It destroys you as a person. Destroys your mind, emotions and personality.
I’ve never openly wrote/spoke about my eating disorder to anyone besides my therapist. I thought I was getting better but the voices are stronger than ever. I’ve put on so much weight in my attempt to recover and I’ve never been so uneasy or felt so low about myself.
I’m so fucking FAT and don’t I know it.
It’s hard to explain how you get to a point where your stud above a toilet bowl, fingers down your throat, tears streaming down your face as your force every last inch of food from your system only to continue to repeat this prices every single DAY. I never as a young girl assumed I could hate myself so fucking much, but I do and fuck it hurts. I hate every single inch of my body, EVERY FUCKING INCH.
I’m writing this now as I’m sat on the bathroom floor make up smeared all over my face after half hour over the toilet. I refused to eat until tea time and when I did I felt like an absolute failure. Nothing but a failure. There’s voices in my head continuously telling me I’m worthless and not wanted. What hurts the most is I believe them.. With so much going on in my family, so much hurt and heartache I can’t tell any of them how I’m feeling. They don’t need another worry to add to the list. Truth is right now I don’t want to be saved. I want to be thin.. I need to be thin.
Bulimia has truly ruined me as a person. I push everyone away when I need them most. I hate myself for it. I despise myself. Waking up with this monster in my head every day is slowly killing me. Until one day I just won’t wake up anymore…
I’m sorry if this post upsets or triggers anyone in anyway. This is my only release and it needed to be wrote.