It’s been over 3 weeks since I made the hardest decision of my life. 10 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. My mind was filled with questions the main one ‘what the fuck do I do?’
My mental health was too bad to even consider keeping it. My eating disorder was destroying my body and I wasn’t strong enough to carry a child. It broke me… My first child and I essentially didn’t have a choice in the matter… I wasn’t strong enough.
Everyone told me it was the right thing to do. But was it? Was it really? I haven’t opened up to anyone since that day. I sat in the hospital room a pill in my hand.. Just one pill and this would all be over. I couldn’t bring myself to put it in my mouth. I just sat crying, shaking, sobbing. But I had to do it. It would’ve been cruel to risk my unborn child’s life in a body that lacks the vitamins and irons it needed to grow. To bring it into a world where one day I’m completely ‘normal’ and the next I’m sat crying on the bathroom floor, self harming and purging.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I’ve cried almost every day since, alone. Feeling guilty for what I did. I’ll never forgive myself and that’s something I’ll have to live with till the day I die.
I am broken.
Please don’t judge me for this nothing you can say or do will hurt me more than I’m already hurting.
How is it that something so small can make such a significant difference in life? Money the root of all evil. It creates greed and gives power to those higher up. As a student who has just finished university and is waiting to begin a full time job – which I got, assistant manager btw! – I have nothing but an abused overdraft.
Right now I’m lucky if I can get a loaf of bread.. I know things will change once I begin full time work but until then I’m left feeling worthless, why? Because I don’t own bits of paper with value? That shouldn’t be the way.
I just hate the control it has over people.
when people pretend to support mental illness, but once they realise you arent just the stereotypical quiet girl lightly sobbing and gently refusing food but actually an emotionally unstable, psychotic mess riddled with endless disordered thoughts and behaviours that ruin your life, relationships and everything else day in and day out, they arent quite so ‘supportive‘ anymore. stop glamourizing mental illness and making people think it’s something it’s not, because then people become misinformed and as a result it causes rejection, invalidation and discrimination to so many people.
Why do people insist that’s things will simply get better?! Bullshit. It’s NOT that easy. ‘Think positive’ oh thanks Margaret because I haven’t tried that one before! I’m cured! No STOP depression isn’t something that just gets better. Anxiety isn’t something that will just disappear with a little positive thinking. PTSD won’t just be okay tomorrow.. I’ve suffered with this for 4 years now.
I get people are trying to help but if you don’t understand don’t say idiotic things. How come someone with a physical illness/injury is taken seriously but someone with mental health just needs to ‘think positive’. I wish mental health didn’t have such a stigma surrounding it. I wish more people understood.
I’ve spent hours crying to myself but if I think positive all will be okay? NO, stop.. Please. It’s insulting. I just want someone who understands to speak to.. Someone who doesn’t just assume mental illness can be solved with just a smile. I just need a friend. I’m sorry I just feel unbelievably low.
Do you ever feel like you’re running on ’empty’ as they say? The past two days I’ve worked 24 hour as well as this I’ve been packing and blitzing my flat ready to move out tomorrow. My time at university is officially over. Some would say I should be anxious about what’s next but to me my biggest worry is making it through an entire day without breaking down. I am unbelievably drained.
My bulimia is at an all time low I haven’t kept any form of food down now for the past 5 days. I know it’s wrong but I can’t physically help it. My mind won’t leave me alone until I do otherwise I feel horrible and guilty. I hate myself for letting such negativity cloud my own mind.
Not much of a blog today I just felt like updating before going to sleep as my eyes are literally closing as I type. I just feel so useless.