The right thing to do; yet it hurts the most 

It’s been over 3 weeks since I made the hardest decision of my life. 10 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. My mind was filled with questions the main one ‘what the fuck do I do?’ 

My mental health was too bad to even consider keeping it. My eating disorder was destroying my body and I wasn’t strong enough to carry a child. It broke me… My first child and I essentially didn’t have a choice in the matter… I wasn’t strong enough. 

Everyone told me it was the right thing to do. But was it? Was it really? I haven’t opened up to anyone since that day. I sat in the hospital room a pill in my hand.. Just one pill and this would all be over. I couldn’t bring myself to put it in my mouth. I just sat crying, shaking, sobbing. But I had to do it. It would’ve been cruel to risk my unborn child’s life in a body that lacks the vitamins and irons it needed to grow. To bring it into a world where one day I’m completely ‘normal’ and the next I’m sat crying on the bathroom floor, self harming and purging. 

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I’ve cried almost every day since, alone. Feeling guilty for what I did. I’ll never forgive myself and that’s something I’ll have to live with till the day I die. 

I am broken. 


Please don’t judge me for this nothing you can say or do will hurt me more than I’m already hurting. 

The evilness that rules the world; money. 

How is it that something so small can make such a significant difference in life? Money the root of all evil. It creates greed and gives power to those higher up. As a student who has just finished university and is waiting to begin a full time job – which I got, assistant manager btw! – I have nothing but an abused overdraft. 

Right now I’m lucky if I can get a loaf of bread.. I know things will change once I begin full time work but until then I’m left feeling worthless, why? Because I don’t own bits of paper with value? That shouldn’t be the way. 

I just hate the control it has over people. 

Glamorising the demon; mental illness 

when people pretend to support mental illness, but once they realise you arent just the stereotypical quiet girl lightly sobbing and gently refusing food but actually an emotionally unstable, psychotic mess riddled with endless disordered thoughts and behaviours that ruin your life, relationships and everything else day in and day out, they arent quite so ‘supportive‘ anymore. stop glamourizing mental illness and making people think it’s something it’s not, because then people become misinformed and as a result it causes rejection, invalidation and discrimination to so many people. 

Things will ‘get better’; mental health

Why do people insist that’s things will simply get better?! Bullshit. It’s NOT that easy. ‘Think positive’ oh thanks Margaret because I haven’t tried that one before! I’m cured! No STOP depression isn’t something that just gets better. Anxiety isn’t something that will just disappear with a little positive thinking. PTSD won’t just be okay tomorrow.. I’ve suffered with this for 4 years now. 

I get people are trying to help but if you don’t understand don’t say idiotic things. How come someone with a physical illness/injury is taken seriously but someone with mental health just needs to ‘think positive’. I wish mental health didn’t have such a stigma surrounding it. I wish more people understood. 

I’ve spent hours crying to myself but if I think positive all will be okay? NO, stop.. Please. It’s insulting. I just want someone who understands to speak to.. Someone who doesn’t just assume mental illness can be solved with just a smile. I just need a friend. I’m sorry I just feel unbelievably low. 

Letting down patients; the NHS

I have the upmost respect for doctors and nurses all over the world. However my family and I’m sure others around the world are being failed by the system daily. I’m writing this not because I’m angry but simply upset

My uncle has been in hospital now for just over a week. Last night they didn’t even bring any food for him and when we questioned them they said they forgot. They went to get his food which he picked off a specific menu only to be told he couldn’t have it and was given half a sandwich. He is a fussy eater but was told as he is to weak to cut up food and has the shakes he could pick from what is known as ‘the finger food menu’ I.e fish fingers and chips etc. But for 5 days in a row now they have not delivered one of the things he has picked from the options they give to him. 

He is under strict instructions to stay hydrated however they said they had no jugs to put water in today so he couldn’t have one. It wasn’t until we kicked up a fuss that they bought one, considering they said they had no jugs it’s impressive how they managed to get one when something was said. I understand this doesn’t sound like much of an issue but when he is specifically told he needs to keep hydrated you’d think this is a priority to the staff. 

So today they forgot about him again at tea time and simply walked past his room. After patiently waiting for an hour longer than we should have we bought it too their attention. The picture attached is what he was given.. Bare in mind he is a fully grown man.. I wouldn’t give this lunch to a five year old. I’m not one to complain but when he is so ill and this is the place that is supposed to look after him it frustrates me.

We as a family have to put our faith in the hospitals to take care of him as this is the best place for him. As we have been told several times but how are we expected to sleep at night knowing he is being somewhat neglected? 

Please do not think that I do not respect doctors and nurses and the work they do because I do. It’s just sometimes what is seen as a little issue to them can be seen as a major issue to us. 

Living with the dark dog; depression. 

Waking up and wishing you didn’t is a thought that crosses your mind every single DAY when suffering with depression. For 4 years I’ve been diagnosed with depression along side anxiety and PTSD. It all began when I was 17 years old, I was attacked. Took advantage of and scarred for life. I won’t go into detail much more about it as it is something even to this day I struggle to speak about. My therapist wants me to go through trauma therapy but I personally do not feel ready. If there’s one thing I have learnt over the years though is the past does NOT define you. 

It’s 4am in the morning you wake up, alone. Nothing but you are your own sickening thoughts. Thoughts that make you wish you were dead. Flashbacks that make you shudder and cry uncontrollably. You are alone. This is how depression makes you feel almost all of the time, every hour of every day. It destroys you as a person. Destroys your mind, emotions and personality. 

Living with the monster; bulimia 

I’ve never openly wrote/spoke about my eating disorder to anyone besides my therapist. I thought I was getting better but the voices are stronger than ever. I’ve put on so much weight in my attempt to recover and I’ve never been so uneasy or felt so low about myself.

I’m so fucking FAT and don’t I know it. 

It’s hard to explain how you get to a point where your stud above a toilet bowl, fingers down your throat, tears streaming down your face as your force every last inch of food from your system only to continue to repeat this prices every single DAY. I never as a young girl assumed I could hate myself so fucking much, but I do and fuck it hurts. I hate every single inch of my body, EVERY FUCKING INCH. 

I’m writing this now as I’m sat on the bathroom floor make up smeared all over my face after half hour over the toilet. I refused to eat until tea time and when I did I felt like an absolute failure. Nothing but a failure. There’s voices in my head continuously telling me I’m worthless and not wanted. What hurts the most is I believe them.. With so much going on in my family, so much hurt and heartache I can’t tell any of them how I’m feeling. They don’t need another worry to add to the list. Truth is right now I don’t want to be saved. I want to be thin.. I need to be thin. 

Bulimia has truly ruined me as a person. I push everyone away when I need them most. I hate myself for it. I despise myself. Waking up with this monster in my head every day is slowly killing me. Until one day I just won’t wake up anymore… 

I’m sorry if this post upsets or triggers anyone in anyway. This is my only release and it needed to be wrote. 

Hospital visits 

I’m off to visit my uncle today. I’m scared. I don’t know how he’ll be or whether he’ll be in pain. He’s so forgetful now what if he’s forgot me? I need to remind him to fight. That we are all here for him. I know he can do this he needs to get better we need him. I’ll spend the entire day with him if that’s what he wants/needs. Supporting my nan is so incredibly hard when she keeps on breaking down but I will be there. I will make sure she knows that we are all here. Why is life so fucking cruel?! Never take your family for granted. Never. 

The scary reality that is life beyond education; Adult hood.

I’ve just finished my last ever year of my degree at Lancaster University. Summers here and I’ve just turned 21. I should be thrilled.. In actual reality I’m petrified. What do I do with myself now? Where do I want to live? Will me and my boyfriend be strong enough to stay together long distance when he joins his family back down in London? Can I afford to live on my own with the job I have? There’s just so much going on inside my little mind. Having mental illnesses for 6 years has been incredibly hard to cope with. Don’t get me wrong I have some incredible friends and a really supportive family. But who’s there at 4am in the morning when the voices in your head are telling you how worthless you are? No one. Just you. Alone. What if the future is like this? What if I don’t secure a long term job or me and my boyfriend don’t work out? What if I’m the failure of the family? The black sheep that no one wants? Ok, so sometimes I let my anxiety run away with itself but these are all genuine questions I ask myself every single day. Do you ever sit alone and just think how no significant individual would actually notice if you was to disappear? How your presence has no impact on any individual in anyway? How essentially you are worthless. 

So what is my next step? I am currently flat hunting to get a little place of my own. I don’t want to go back to square one before my university life being dependent on my parents. That’s not me. I want to look after myself, I got myself  to this point in life and I will continue to progress on. It’s just so ridiculous when the doctors continue to increase my medication and then change it all together. It’s not helpful to me in anyway not being able to get used to one medication before its already switched to another.

Truth of it is I’m petrified, I am essentially lost in a hole with no guidance in which way to go next. 21, and afraid of the world.