The right thing to do; yet it hurts the most

It’s been over 3 weeks since I made the hardest decision of my life. 10 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. My mind was filled with questions the main one ‘what the fuck do I do?’ 

My mental health was too bad to even consider keeping it. My eating disorder was destroying my body and I wasn’t strong enough to carry a child. It broke me… My first child and I essentially didn’t have a choice in the matter… I wasn’t strong enough. 

Everyone told me it was the right thing to do. But was it? Was it really? I haven’t opened up to anyone since that day. I sat in the hospital room a pill in my hand.. Just one pill and this would all be over. I couldn’t bring myself to put it in my mouth. I just sat crying, shaking, sobbing. But I had to do it. It would’ve been cruel to risk my unborn child’s life in a body that lacks the vitamins and irons it needed to grow. To bring it into a world where one day I’m completely ‘normal’ and the next I’m sat crying on the bathroom floor, self harming and purging. 

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I’ve cried almost every day since, alone. Feeling guilty for what I did. I’ll never forgive myself and that’s something I’ll have to live with till the day I die. 

I am broken. 

Please don’t judge me for this nothing you can say or do will hurt me more than I’m already hurting.