I haven’t blogged recently I’ve been extremely busy. I’ve finally moved into my house and began a full time job. I’m exhausted but so happy I’m finally beginning my own journey in life. I am enjoying things and the progress it’s just getting used to the constant aching feet that I’ll have to adjust to.
My boyfriend has now gone to Croatia to work for the summer. That’s a long time to be apart. I miss him already, he went last night. I start my new job on Thursday and move into my new house on Wednesday. Being an adult is somewhat terrifying. I don’t know how ‘adult’.
I’m sorry for my lack of updates I’ve been enjoying the last few days I had with him.
It’s been over 3 weeks since I made the hardest decision of my life. 10 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. My mind was filled with questions the main one ‘what the fuck do I do?’
My mental health was too bad to even consider keeping it. My eating disorder was destroying my body and I wasn’t strong enough to carry a child. It broke me… My first child and I essentially didn’t have a choice in the matter… I wasn’t strong enough.
Everyone told me it was the right thing to do. But was it? Was it really? I haven’t opened up to anyone since that day. I sat in the hospital room a pill in my hand.. Just one pill and this would all be over. I couldn’t bring myself to put it in my mouth. I just sat crying, shaking, sobbing. But I had to do it. It would’ve been cruel to risk my unborn child’s life in a body that lacks the vitamins and irons it needed to grow. To bring it into a world where one day I’m completely ‘normal’ and the next I’m sat crying on the bathroom floor, self harming and purging.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I’ve cried almost every day since, alone. Feeling guilty for what I did. I’ll never forgive myself and that’s something I’ll have to live with till the day I die.
I am broken.
How is it that something so small can make such a significant difference in life? Money the root of all evil. It creates greed and gives power to those higher up. As a student who has just finished university and is waiting to begin a full time job – which I got, assistant manager btw! – I have nothing but an abused overdraft.
Right now I’m lucky if I can get a loaf of bread.. I know things will change once I begin full time work but until then I’m left feeling worthless, why? Because I don’t own bits of paper with value? That shouldn’t be the way.
I just hate the control it has over people.
when people pretend to support mental illness, but once they realise you arent just the stereotypical quiet girl lightly sobbing and gently refusing food but actually an emotionally unstable, psychotic mess riddled with endless disordered thoughts and behaviours that ruin your life, relationships and everything else day in and day out, they arent quite so ‘supportive‘ anymore. stop glamourizing mental illness and making people think it’s something it’s not, because then people become misinformed and as a result it causes rejection, invalidation and discrimination to so many people.
Why do people insist that’s things will simply get better?! Bullshit. It’s NOT that easy. ‘Think positive’ oh thanks Margaret because I haven’t tried that one before! I’m cured! No STOP depression isn’t something that just gets better. Anxiety isn’t something that will just disappear with a little positive thinking. PTSD won’t just be okay tomorrow.. I’ve suffered with this for 4 years now.
I get people are trying to help but if you don’t understand don’t say idiotic things. How come someone with a physical illness/injury is taken seriously but someone with mental health just needs to ‘think positive’. I wish mental health didn’t have such a stigma surrounding it. I wish more people understood.
I’ve spent hours crying to myself but if I think positive all will be okay? NO, stop.. Please. It’s insulting. I just want someone who understands to speak to.. Someone who doesn’t just assume mental illness can be solved with just a smile. I just need a friend. I’m sorry I just feel unbelievably low.
Do you ever feel like you’re running on ’empty’ as they say? The past two days I’ve worked 24 hour as well as this I’ve been packing and blitzing my flat ready to move out tomorrow. My time at university is officially over. Some would say I should be anxious about what’s next but to me my biggest worry is making it through an entire day without breaking down. I am unbelievably drained.
My bulimia is at an all time low I haven’t kept any form of food down now for the past 5 days. I know it’s wrong but I can’t physically help it. My mind won’t leave me alone until I do otherwise I feel horrible and guilty. I hate myself for letting such negativity cloud my own mind.
Not much of a blog today I just felt like updating before going to sleep as my eyes are literally closing as I type. I just feel so useless.
I’m sat writing this whilst at work in the student bar I work for. It’s dead. I’ve had around 6 customers in 5 hours. I am bored. But I’ll be getting paid… So all is not lost. I just wish I had friends to keep me company.
However this is an appreciation post to you guys I’ve had this blog for less than and week and have reached 50 likes on my posts. Thank you for letting this be my personal space. My diary. My venting page. You guys are incredible.
If you’ve been reason my most recent blogs you’ll see I haven’t had the best of times recently with my family being ill. I found out today that my uncles dad (married into the family not blood but just as good as) lost his dad. He had a heart attack and died. My uncles son, my cousin, is devestated and broken.
As if this wasn’t enough my aunties dad died today, they had to switch his life support off as he was pronounced brain dead. My family is falling apart in all directions possible. It’s destroying me and I’m not sure how much longer I can actually cope.
I just want.. NEED something positive to happen before I well and truly give up. I’m at an all time low, my bulimia is taking over and I just can’t think straight. I feel like if I cry I just won’t stop. 2016 has been awful.
Treasure the ones you love. Spend time with your family. Tell them ‘I love you’ you never know when it could be the last time. People say ‘life is what you make of it’ yet I don’t think I’ve ever done anything so badly to have my family go through this. It’s destroying me.
The cancer has now spread into my aunties bones. This isn’t good. She’s indenial and doesn’t want to know how long there is to live. But after speaking to a nurse and hearing she has only 12 weeks to live has destroyed me. Destroyed the family. I’m so devestated. I really hope she can stay strong and live the last period of time happily. She is an incredible women and my heart is breaking. Cancer is a horrible disease and it has well and truly broken my family.