I’ve just finished my last ever year of my degree at Lancaster University. Summers here and I’ve just turned 21. I should be thrilled.. In actual reality I’m petrified. What do I do with myself now? Where do I want to live? Will me and my boyfriend be strong enough to stay together long distance when he joins his family back down in London? Can I afford to live on my own with the job I have? There’s just so much going on inside my little mind. Having mental illnesses for 6 years has been incredibly hard to cope with. Don’t get me wrong I have some incredible friends and a really supportive family. But who’s there at 4am in the morning when the voices in your head are telling you how worthless you are? No one. Just you. Alone. What if the future is like this? What if I don’t secure a long term job or me and my boyfriend don’t work out? What if I’m the failure of the family? The black sheep that no one wants? Ok, so sometimes I let my anxiety run away with itself but these are all genuine questions I ask myself every single day. Do you ever sit alone and just think how no significant individual would actually notice if you was to disappear? How your presence has no impact on any individual in anyway? How essentially you are worthless.
So what is my next step? I am currently flat hunting to get a little place of my own. I don’t want to go back to square one before my university life being dependent on my parents. That’s not me. I want to look after myself, I got myself to this point in life and I will continue to progress on. It’s just so ridiculous when the doctors continue to increase my medication and then change it all together. It’s not helpful to me in anyway not being able to get used to one medication before its already switched to another.
Truth of it is I’m petrified, I am essentially lost in a hole with no guidance in which way to go next. 21, and afraid of the world.